Earlier

April. Late April. Early May. I held a handful of troubles that festered up right on into a work hiatus. Thursday and Friday saw me tumble within my heart. I couldn’t say that I was sick. My inner pressures’ coalescence couldn’t be called a sickness. Some of my core wounds or even cord sounds are held so deep; I am healing what can present physically. After excusing myself from thursday’s morning meeting I returned to my cabin. Minor swelling. Discomfort. Extended hyper fixation on whether or not one should venture to the hospital. Call Sister. Pray over unrelated things. I try to join myself, and remember my ability to pollute my body. Let thy food by thy medicine I hold though, let thy practices represent thy madnesses has often held more control. Thank you my loving dear Sister. In my car now. Deciding for a while. Okay off the campus at least, but now the map to the choice walk-in won’t load. I’ll rest. I’ll reconnect. I hold my knowing of my inner to outer influence. The piece of God fluttering from within me alongside Thomas, Bianca, CoraLeeKonk, recognizes itself and drives to understand the suitable ways of care for this transportation-responsibility-bi-ped combo-sapien. Sweet beach right next to me. 15 minutes on four wheels from where I sleep. That’s where I am when I try to reconnect and rearrange what begins to swell my ribs. I hold so much in those peppas. Bone Bridges. Beach parking lot. Milling between the post office and pizza shop trying to find wifi until I truly let go of the hospital fixation. My father always believes in self healing. I believe it too. I step in the sand. A dog finds the same shore. I get to play with the beach jumping dog. I talk to the human who so kindly accompanied the sweet pupper. I notice all the movement around me. He’s there but I’m still just running with the sand covered tail wagger. I see him. What’s the pull here? He greets me from his car. I see a baby. I’m so comfortable all of a sudden. Deeply within my shoulders. Orwin and his baby, Axis. Hello <3. I unsheathe my disconnection with myself to Orwin. He knows and reminds me that “you are God”. I share my physical struggles. Orwin offers to make me juice, and tells me Axis has been dealing with the same symptoms. He’s already made tea for him that he will give me some of too. Orwin asks if I drove here. Yes. He lives in the same town the hospital is. He invites me for fresh juice. All the way to his home I go. Orwin has a juicer that he puts Celery, Purple Onion, Carrot, and, Cucumber in for me. It was truly perfect. A delight to feel my bodies response. He offers me a cannabis pre-roll. It goes with my tea that he warms up for me. We enjoy each other’s company. His land is well cared for. Axis loves the fourwheeler and Orwin invites me to ride. I can’t handle an engine under me right now. They ride together so very slow around the perimeter of the lawn area. I explore all that is there. Chickens. They ride by me. They pause their ride. Axis gets off the four wheeler walks around me in a circle and gets back on. Orwin tells me he loves my natural beauty. Says 144, too. Mentions casually how I will be having one of his children. Orwin translates to “he would holds the Javelin”. I smile. I feel every way I could feel shuddering within what I knew before the air did. Orwin, the father of my children.